Adult Driver's Ed

Have you ever tallied the number of driving violations on your a.m. commute? It's astonishing how many people have either forgotten the rules of the road or just don't believe they apply.

Now, I witnessed more than a few violations in rural MT. Things such as not using a turn signal, not wearing a seat belt, or the worst, not having your mandatory "Save 100 Elk, Kill a Wolf" bumper sticker plastered to the ass of your beater, but that's nothing compared to driving around an Eastern metropolis. Here, people tailgate, cross multiple lanes without pausing, turn left in front of oncoming traffic in order to be first through the intersection on a green light, and, of course, everyone speeds, with law enforcement officers being no better than the average suit behind the wheel of his Mercedes.

It's astonishing what flies here. Truly, this is the purpose behind heavy duty duel-rear wheeled diesel driven pickups fitted with a critter cage wrapped around the front grill. Driving one would allow me to pass cleanly through the Beamer driven by a woman adorned in oversized fashion-conscious sun-goggles, talking on a zigged-out cell, sipping a $7 machiatto-frapp-a-late-light-roasted-mocha-grande attempting to gun it on a left-hand turn in front of me without the use of a turn signal... without pause.

Each time I witness a driving violation I curse in Yiddish, wave my cane in the air, and think, "There's another person who needs to retake their driver's exam."

Hmm... not a bad idea. Let me think out loud (or in writing). A driving education class for adults... It would be called:

Adult Driver's Education (because you obviously didn't learn anything the first time around)

The class curriculum would start with the basics. Topics to be covered:

1. Who enters the intersection first when two automobiles come to a four-way stop at the same time? (Note: the answer is not whoever guns it first).

2. What is a safe distance between vehicles and safe speed to travel in snowy, rainy, icy conditions? (Note: a massive 4-wheel drive SUV does not make you exempt from the laws of physics. As a matter of fact, it just means that you roll, slide, and flip better than most smaller vehicles on the road.)

3. How to position your mirrors in order to minimize a vehicle's blind-spots. (No, they are not car fixtures merely for the ease of spackling your face with 'Streetwalker Sparkle Red', or to make faces at your offspring in the backseat).

Extra credit material also covered:

1. The importance of shopping for a vehicle to fit your needs (and not just buying the one that makes you look like a self-absorbed pretentious boob).

2. Scheduling your day and route to work so that you allot enough time to get to and from work safely and within the speed limit (so your left foot can relax and catch a break from the constant use of the accelerator).

3. Balancing a checkbook (so that your Mercedes lifestyle purchased on a Yugo budget doesn't get repo-ed and the rest of us who can count dollars and cents aren't bailing your ass out like we did with GM).

Yes! I like it. Sign me up. I need a little more entertainment.